On a sad note

April, 30 is the 15th anniversary of my fathers death. We oft times were are odds over many things yet for a few years before he died we started to find common ground. His death hit me hard and I still struggle with it to this day. I miss him still every day.
Funny how things go, when he died I was so angry at him for dying. How could he do that to me? Just as we began to mend and heal our lives together he died! It was Easter Sunday when he died and the holiday has never been the same for me since.
Farewell chocolate bunnies, colored eggs and jelly beans. Goodbye Dad. Love ya still.

SNAFU

OK so we seem to be at odds with each other and we are unable to pull together for the common good. This affects both staff and those we serve so we need to do something and we need to do it soon. My co-workers and I appear to be a bit on the toasty side and we can't go on like this much longer or we will all burn-out.
The dilemma for me is what can I do to help? I may be part of the problem and if I am can I still help? We have almost no communication with each other so getting through this rough time seems impossible. I know it's not but I am afraid some of my co-workers don't share my optimism. Lately going to work has been very hard. I am anxious all the time and second guess myself constantly. This is not the way I usually work.
I guess what I can do to help is to get myself back to baseline, do what I am good at. I need to lead by example and hope some of my co-workers will follow. I have been supportive to most everyone I work with so maybe I need to verbalize my feelings with them? I feel alone most of there time and I hate the feeling.
If you are reading this please help. Seek me out and talk to me let me know what I can do or what I should not do. Maybe e-mail would work better for some of you, I understand it can be hard to say things face to face but please try anyway you can.
I haven't been caught in a snafu in many years. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now.

Work

It has been a very tough few days at work. My co-workers were really put to the test over the weekend and I am proud to say they were outstanding! They did everything in there power to ensure a safe place for each and every adolescent girl that was there. I am amazed at how hard they work and also how good the are at their job.
I want them all to know how great a job they did. I only wish others could also let them know. For now it is only my praise they hear but I am working on that.

As time goes by

April 22nd was my sons birthday, he turned 16. He also was in a basketball tournament at UVM in Burlington, Vermont. His team finished first place for the fourth year in a row. He had a very large cheering section as our entire family showed up to both root his team and celebrate his birthday. He was in heaven and it was a moment in time he will not soon forget. My god to be young and also the center of the attention of everyone you know must have been so exciting. Happy Birthday Ian
May 1st is my daughters birthday and she will turn 21. My god am I really that old? 21 only happens once in a lifetime and we plan on making it a an affair she also will not soon forget. There are people coming from all over the country and maybe even the world. Relatives and friends will converge on Burlington Vt. to help celebrate her. Happy Birthday Christina

Holidays

Working at a place like this you can forget that holidays are usually not a good time for those we serve. For them holidays are never predictable and most of the time dangerous. As a result staff work hard at making holidays safe and to the best of our ability fun.
Easter is tomorrow and the staff will plan an Easter egg hunt with the girls. It will be a struggle for some but it will work itself out. Maybe we will do Brunch with the girls and just go outside and enjoy the day. We forget sometimes that it really is the simple things that make memories. So we will keep it simple.

Happy Easter...

What about Bob

Come mothers and fathers through out the land
now don't criticize what do can't understand
your sons and your daughters are beyond your command
The old world is rapidly fading
get out of the new one if you can't lend a hand
the times they are a'changing

When Bob Dylan wrote these words they had meaning and they still have meaning today!
My workplace is changing and some of us are struggling with the change. Some of are moving slow yet moving forward. Some of us are not moving at all. Some of us are stuck in the old and either can't see the need to change or disagree with the change. We are at a critical point, We will help but we can not do it without you.
Believe me the times really are changing

Behaviors

Why can't we look behind the behaviors and discover what drives them? Is it too much work?
Why do we always want to respond to a behavior with one of our own? This rarely works!
Why do we need to feel we are in control? Truth is we are not in control!
Why do we struggle with letting go of old interventions that do not work? (insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results)

When will we see we are caught in senseless power struggles where no one wins!
When will we end the insanity? Our insanity!

Stress

In the last five days I have placed hands on some of those I serve too many times and it almost happened again today! Being an adolescent away from home ( no matter what the home was like) must be so scary and lonely. I have to keep in mind that although those I serve are not "normal" they do have feelings just like everyone else. As a matter of fact they are in touch with those feelings more than most of those who work here! Also they have so much more crap in their lives that just make feeling a scary thing to do so they can often act out. I struggle with not responding to a behavior with a behavior of my own. This gets no one anywhere except into a senseless power struggle. I need to remember that I do have a working relationship with every one of the girls I work with. They let me help them in times of high emotional turmoil and depend on the staff to keep them safe when they can not.
I have to keep asking myself, "what caused the behavior" and not get caught up in the behavior they present. This can be hard when the behavior is dangerous to themselves or someone else. The behaviors can be violence to themselves, Cutting, scratching, severe head banging, just to name a few. We all have reactions to these behaviors yet we need to discover the antecedents If we hope to help them break the cycle of self injury or violence.
As hard as it is for those we serve it is just as hard to see someone hurt themselves. I sometimes find myself crying as I process with co-workers the events of the day. Thank goodness I have co-workers that understand what stress can do to someone and are willing to let us feel without judging. It would be impossible to work where I do without their support! This job is not a contest about who can do this or that, rather how we can all help keep those we serve safe.
I left today emotionally exhausted and at the same time pleased that we were able to help someone stay safe.

Splits

So it seems we have a split between shifts. It seems that we don't want to admit it or we just don't care enough to work it through. I love my job and I really enjoy working with almost all of my co-workers. Having said that I must admit that there are one or two that I have issues with but do not want to spend the time to attempt to reconcile with them! I need to look into my self and figure out why I have these feelings and then is it worth it to fix? One is easy I know why and I don't want to fix it! I can work with this person, I just will never like them personally. As long as they have a common goal with me to help make the place safe for those we serve I can be civil.
I guess I am just a coward, why else would I not confront these people with how I feel and what I think?
I feel that this rift is getting bigger and it beginning to spill into our work. I will soon be faced with a speak or just muddle along being angry. I don't want to do that, I can't do that. I might just as well look for somewhere else to work. This should not be this hard!

Trauma

Today was a very hard day once again for my co-workers and I. My whole day was spent in meetings or working to help a young lady from inflicting self-harm . I had a lot of help in dealing with her and we all did an amazing job. The young woman in question also did amazing work to feel feelings that most people would do our best to avoid. She did her best to stay in the here and now feelings like hurt, abandonment, loneliness. Yet there were times when she moved toward anger and began to lash out at staff and herself. She began to bang her head quite hard against the wall and would not stop. Verbal interventions were not working so in an effort to prevent her from causing severe damage to her head we held her in a supportive way to prevent the head banging. This did work yet it was a tough thing to do as the young lady was very strong and also very agitated. As we held her we continued to use supportive verbalize with her reassuring her she was safe and also that she was doing a good job de-escalating.
This was the second time I intervened with this young lady and I was expecting a battle yet she was working hard to not hurt staff or herself, something she could have easily done if that was her plan. That was not her plan, her plan was to hurt herself and she was able to not do that today. She cried instead! A cry that came from a pain unknown to me but I understand the healing power of tears. I also understand the incredible inner strength this young woman possess that enables her to live day to day with such intense hurt and pain.

I suffer emotionally when I have to place hands on someone in my care. I work hard to build a therapeutic relationship with each of the people under my care. When it was over I sat and processed the incident with the young woman and make sure I knew she are safe and understand why and how the whole thing happened. I also apologize for placing hands on them. This does not make it better but it does let them know I respect them and still care about their welfare and safety.

Soap Box

I sometimes wonder what the noise is all about. My head gets so full of stuff that at times I find it extremely hard to focus on what is really important. So many things seems important when the truth is not many things are. I sometimes just want to scream! What ever happened to common sense? What ever happened to honesty? Why do I find it so hard to tell people what I really think? Do I really care what people think about me... Of course I do but why? Will I be somebody else if people think badly of me? Am I just a coward, hiding behind a mask of indifference?

I just want to give up at times and become like those around me. "Blend in and be safe", that is what that voice in my head keeps telling me. Why can't I just do it? I feel I pay a great deal by not conforming. I really don't like to be on the outside but I must admit I have become comfortable being there. I sit here confused and disheartened...

OK enough of this soap box. There is so much more inside of me but I can't get it out just yet this a start...
any feedback is welcome.

Emotional trauma

Today was a tough day. One of the people we serve had a most difficult time and escalated to become a danger to others. After what seemed like a very long time of attempting to de-escalate the person with every tool we possessed the person became physically assaultive to staff. This young lady spit and staff and attempted to punch them also. At that point staff had no alternative but to put hands on her to keep people safe.
It is never an easy thing to physically hold someone who is out of control on a number of levels. First people can get hurt. Second you run the risk of re-traumatizing them and in some case staff also can be traumatized. At times like this we (staff ) interact with the utmost dignity and respect as this can be helpful in times of high anxiety. Some people do not realize that if one person is in crisis you can be sure there are others in crisis also. Staff can become anxious and we always need to know where we are in the crisis cycle. We never want to be the cause of escalating someone!
I personally find physical intervene a painful thing to do and as a result do all I can to prevent people from having to be physically held. Emotionally it takes time for me to process my feelings. As I sometimes do become traumatized. I am lucky to have staff who understand this and are very supportive and help me process afterwards. I am grateful to be part of a great team. Thanks for all the support!

Focus

I am sorry for not posting in the last week or so but my attention has been help elsewhere. I have been too involved in other things to post but I will continue forthwith.
The last two days at work have been amazingly pleasant. Those we serve have been for the most part in a very good place and this has made getting closer to them on an emotional level much easier.
Saturday was April fools day and they took advantage of the day to become very playful. Together with staff, my office was toilet papered and it just continued through out the day. I must admit it was a fun time. We don't get many moments when we, staff and those we serve, can become almost normal.
We sometimes forget that after all that has happened to them in their lives they still can be kids and play appropriately.